Two Things

1. I need you to run away with me when I need to run.  I need you to say you'll be on board with my crazy ideas, especially the ones that will probably never happen and are an extreme long shot.  I know those are the ones you're hesitant to agree to on the off chance they do pull through because then you've agreed to something you may not be entirely sure about.  But I need you to say you'll come with me.  I need you to say we'll join the peace core together after college and that we'll travel to all sorts of backwoods all over the planet, because I'm scared to do it alone.  And if I know I'm scared to do it, I have a hard time believing I will unless I have someone who I think will hold me to it.  I know you won't hold me to joining the peace core or anything like that, but I need to pretend.

2.  I figured out what marriage means to me, and in doing so, why it's important to me.  To me, marriage is encorperating a person into the family.  When I believe in divorce and how wonderful it can be for those couples who are no longer suited to each other, it's sort of hard to believe in together forever always.  I don't think together forever is always healthy, and I don't think that is the point of marriage.  For me, marriage is admitting someone into the inner circle of my life.  It is letting my family and close friends know that this is someone who has a profound effect on my life and someone I intend to build at least part of my life with.  This is someone I want you to know and welcome and form relationships with independant of me.  In marrying someone, I would be bringing them into my family and they would be on the same priority level in my life.  And that is why marriage is important to me.  It is the public accouncement and concrete statement that this is someone who I have welcomed into my family and intend to have around for a while.

distracted

I lack self discipline.  I’ve been letting things run around my head for a little while now and felt I wanted to write them down in some form or another.  It was kind of hard to put them here even though it shouldn’t have been and it’s what I said I would do.

 

I should also know better than to try to do other things when I’ve got something weighing on my mind.  I should have taken the time this morning to sit and write this out instead of buried in my bed sleeping when I wasn’t tired.

 

*sigh* for all that I’m ready to write this down; the words still don’t want to come.  I’m not sure what I want to address at the moment.  I think I’ll start with Friday.

 

At this point, I’ve thought about what that kind of transition would be like for too long.  I built up expectations.  I wasn’t let down.  But my experiences and my expectations didn’t match.  I was thinking too much to even begin to allow for the natural connection that we usually pick up.  I need to take it a lot slower.  Every part of it needs to be slower for me, at least while we’re beginning.  I need time to put my concerns and fears and worries and everything else away in order to be totally present in the moment.  If I’m not completely present I feel disconnected and therefore unloved.  It’s not true, but it’s how I feel.

 

I also need some specific things from you afterwards.  I need you to wait with the questions.  I need that afterglow moment to be preserved for a little while longer in most cases.

 

I think I’ve figured out what causes some of the melancholy I occasionally feel.  There are times when we are so connected, and I am so open, that I get a little lost.  I feel too vulnerable and exposed and I want nothing more than to run away to hide in my bed, all alone, in the dark and quiet.  It scares me how open and vulnerable I can be with you.  Granted I’ve never regretted a moment of that openness or vulnerability, and many wonderful things have come from it, but it’s still a scary place to be.  I think you can understand that.

 

I also didn’t really reach subspace.  I guess that might be part of a slow transition, but that was a bit of a let down.  I don’t think it was anything on your part, I think I was too nervous and concerned with what I was doing.

 

While I don’t want questions about what was good or not good right away, I do like to talk.  It forces me back into my head and the transition into normalcy is easier.

 

I lied.  Sex hasn’t been that good the last few days.  I may have orgasmed but it just wasn’t the same and something was missing.  We dropped off on the foreplay and I think that has a lot to do with it.  I think you’re going to be really upset with me for not saying anything sooner.  It was wonderful in that I got to feel close to you and be near to you for a few days running, which is uncommon.  But it wasn’t as intensely pleasurable and it usually is.

 

I’m not so sure what was so pressing about all of that.  But I needed to say it.

Beginnings

Even though I know you are understanding and accepting and very patient, there are times when it’s hard for me to express myself to you.  I know it doesn’t make sense, and I’ve tried to rush myself, but not always to the best results.  I need to feel like I am working through things in my own time and way before I approach you with them.

So as we explore more, I’m going to need a lot of time to sift through things.  I’m also going to need some semblance of distance between us for a little while.  Otherwise it’s too much.  Too close, too much vulnerability, too much accommodation.

I thought it might be good for me to keep a journal for the time being.  I can write things down here that would be harder for me to say to you in person, and you’re not left in the dark.  I don’t know that I’ll always be able to put everything down here, but I’ll try.

 

Love you