distracted

I lack self discipline.  I’ve been letting things run around my head for a little while now and felt I wanted to write them down in some form or another.  It was kind of hard to put them here even though it shouldn’t have been and it’s what I said I would do.

 

I should also know better than to try to do other things when I’ve got something weighing on my mind.  I should have taken the time this morning to sit and write this out instead of buried in my bed sleeping when I wasn’t tired.

 

*sigh* for all that I’m ready to write this down; the words still don’t want to come.  I’m not sure what I want to address at the moment.  I think I’ll start with Friday.

 

At this point, I’ve thought about what that kind of transition would be like for too long.  I built up expectations.  I wasn’t let down.  But my experiences and my expectations didn’t match.  I was thinking too much to even begin to allow for the natural connection that we usually pick up.  I need to take it a lot slower.  Every part of it needs to be slower for me, at least while we’re beginning.  I need time to put my concerns and fears and worries and everything else away in order to be totally present in the moment.  If I’m not completely present I feel disconnected and therefore unloved.  It’s not true, but it’s how I feel.

 

I also need some specific things from you afterwards.  I need you to wait with the questions.  I need that afterglow moment to be preserved for a little while longer in most cases.

 

I think I’ve figured out what causes some of the melancholy I occasionally feel.  There are times when we are so connected, and I am so open, that I get a little lost.  I feel too vulnerable and exposed and I want nothing more than to run away to hide in my bed, all alone, in the dark and quiet.  It scares me how open and vulnerable I can be with you.  Granted I’ve never regretted a moment of that openness or vulnerability, and many wonderful things have come from it, but it’s still a scary place to be.  I think you can understand that.

 

I also didn’t really reach subspace.  I guess that might be part of a slow transition, but that was a bit of a let down.  I don’t think it was anything on your part, I think I was too nervous and concerned with what I was doing.

 

While I don’t want questions about what was good or not good right away, I do like to talk.  It forces me back into my head and the transition into normalcy is easier.

 

I lied.  Sex hasn’t been that good the last few days.  I may have orgasmed but it just wasn’t the same and something was missing.  We dropped off on the foreplay and I think that has a lot to do with it.  I think you’re going to be really upset with me for not saying anything sooner.  It was wonderful in that I got to feel close to you and be near to you for a few days running, which is uncommon.  But it wasn’t as intensely pleasurable and it usually is.

 

I’m not so sure what was so pressing about all of that.  But I needed to say it.